For those of you who haven’t seen the 90’s film, “There’s Something about Mary”, I highly recommend it. Not going out with a ‘loaded gun’ (the one in your pants that shoots baby batter) is almost certainly the best advice you could ever get from a film.
What happens when you practice ‘no fap’ or not masturbating for as long as possible to get your male hormones levels and your sperm count up is that you become so focused on trying to get sex, that all logic and reason go out the window. You become a slave to your sex drive, and that my friends, is what almost cost me my life; true story.
There I was, going out on another Friday night looking for that hook up with the opposite sex that is so common in bars across America. Unfortunately, I had been on a dry spell and hadn’t gotten laid in almost 6 months.
Standing outside of a bar trying to catch some fresh air, a hot blond drunkenly stumbled into my arms. She was a petite girl in her early twenties with huge tits and a tiny waist; the type that looks like she was made to have multiple orgasms. She was a solid HB 8.
“Are you ok?”, I asked
“Yeah, are you?” she replied
Before I had a chance to respond she quickly exclaimed,
“I have to pee. Where can I pee?”
“Well”, I said a little surprised, “There’s a ladies restroom all the way in the back of the bar.”
“No, silly, take me somewhere else to pee”, she said in a half slurred voice.
So, I held out a bent elbow and she latched on like we or on a Sunday stroll.
“Where would you like to pee?” I asked.
“Wait right here”, she said, and ran in between two parked cars where she proceeded to do her thing.
It was a little crude for my liking, but I decided to let it slide since she was drunk and I was horny as hell. After she had relieved herself, she removed her heeled shoes and came running back and giving me a huge kiss on the lips. I pulled her hair back and kissed up her neck and around her ear. She moaned and said let’s go to my room.
I had wood like nobody’s business and couldn’t wait to be knee deep in that pussy. We walked to her hotel and I helped her put the key card in the elevator. We were groping each other and making out all the way up to her room on the third floor. When we entered dimly lit quarters I could see that there were two queen sized beds and another person was asleep in one of them.
“Who’s that?” I asked, “Oh don’t worry about him”, she said, “He’s a travel buddy and he’s passed out drunk so he won’t be bothering us.”
She pushed me onto the empty bed and we continued making out for a few minutes. Then she said in a demure baby girl voice, “Let’s get under the covers.” I ripped off my clothes like they were on fire and jumped in wearing only my boxer shorts. She also climbed in wearing only her panties and I started sucking her nipples and rubbing her soaking vagina under her panties.
Finally my dry-spell was about to end and it was about to rain pussy on me, or so I thought.
All of a sudden I saw the lights come on, and before I could focus to see what was going on a huge hulk of a man child (6’4” 250 pound tourist from the corn belt) was sitting on my chest and choking me with his meat hooks. I was gasping for air and could barely get a word out.
He roared in anger, “You are not fucking this guy in the room that I paid for!” to which she screamed back “Leave him alone, he’s a friend! You asshole, you never let me have any friends.”
My only saving grace was the fact that this behemoth was blind drunk and couldn’t wind and land a punch correctly or my jaw would have been shattered in a million pieces.
Blondie tried to calm the beast shouting, “I wasn’t going to fuck him and I’m not going to fuck you either!” What was this crazy bitch saying? I couldn’t understand.
He put me in a headlock and proceeded to body slam me up against the wall as he squeezed the last bit of air out of my lungs. I grabbed a lamp with my one free arm and tried to hit him over the head from behind, but it was all in vein, as the cord was bolted to the table and wouldn’t allow me to pull it off (cheap hotel).
I managed to get one sentence out. “Wait, I said out of breath, you said he wasn’t your boyfriend, but a travel buddy…”
“Yeah, “ She said, “ I don’t like him that way, but he obviously has feelings for me,”
At that point, I wanted to choke this girl like he was choking me, but I was trapped in this guy’s gorilla like arms about to receive the beating of my life.
As he was winding up one of his sloppy punches, I managed to break free and ran out of the room wearing only my underwear. He stumbled after me as I ran towards the elevator. I made it to the elevator and screamed like little bitch hoping someone would come out of their room. But alas, it was 4 am and my pleas fell on deaf ears.
As I pushed the elevator button over and over for the doors to close, I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest as the adrenaline coursed through my veins. There he was, coming at me like Frankenstein’s monster. It was like a scene from a Hitchcock film. He jammed his hands in the doors just as they were almost closed and proceeded to pry them apart with his herculean strength.
I made a final plea and shouted, “Look man, I didn’t know she was your girlfriend, you realize that there’s a surveillance camera here and you are assaulting me, which is a crime!” It was like trying to reason with an orangutan, “Nah, he said, You trespassed in my room and I’m protecting myself!”
Note to self: Drunk meat-heads can interpret the law any way they please.
He then proceeded to grab me again, but this time, the girl runs up from behind and jumps on his back like a little monkey on an oak tree. She covers his eyes with her hands long enough for me to brace my back against the back wall of the elevator and pull my legs up to his waist. I push my feet with all my might and he falls backwards with the girl on his back. I hear her cry when she hits the ground and I run over both of them, grab my pants from the doorway and jump into the stairwell, and almost fly down to the ground floor.
Half naked with no shoes, I run as fast as I can down the street and into a cab with a driver who doesn’t want to take me because he thinks I’m wasted. I throw 40 dollars at him and yell at him to get me the fuck out of here, and he finally does!
I envisioned a scenario where if I wouldn’t have escaped, the giant would have choked me to death in a jealous rage without realizing it, like the dumb boxer in that old bugs bunny cartoon. A crime of passion or manslaughter, he would have received a minimal jail sentence, and I’d be six feet under ground by now.
Instead, I was lucky enough to receive a sprained neck, nothing that a visit to the chiropractor and a few hot tub sessions couldn’t fix.
And that is the story of how I let the game get the best of me, cloud my judgement, and almost end my life. I failed to analyze the situation at hand. The typical sadistic hot girl had this caveman, whom she had friend zoned and was still pining for her love; pedestalizing her and the whole nine yards.
This near death experience has so traumatized me, that I still check in the closets and under the bed before smashing a chick in unfamiliar territory.
By the way, we share infield stories like these in my secret facebook group (must be 18+).